Jurassic World: Well, There’s Dinosaurs.

And yet another trailer hits the net. (What, did Ant-Man look so good, everyone else just started to panic?) This one is for Jurassic World.

Being honest: this trailer didn’t make me any more excited to see the movie. It didn’t make me any LESS excited, but it didn’t make me any more excited.

And really, why are they still making dinosaur theme parks? It’d be like living in the Aliens universe and making “Xenomorph World”. No matter what you do, that’s just going to end badly. Again. (And again and again.)

But no, they needed to make an entirely new dino park, this time with a dinosaur bigger than a T-Rex and smarter than the scientist who made it. (Not that it’s hard.) Also, didn’t that other scientist die off in the first one? Maybe I’m remembering it wrong.

Yeah, I’m going to see this sooner or later. Maybe even in the theater. But man, do they need a new gimmick.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Trailer

What is it with this week? Every time I turn around someone’s releasing ANOTHER trailer. This time, Fantastic Four.

I’m not excited, for one simple reason: it isn’t Marvel. Oh, it’s Marvel characters, but not Marvel Studio. And few people have shown they can do not-total-shit supers like Marvel (mostly) does.

Aside from that, it’s a paint-by-numbers origin story. How thrilling.

Star Wars: Battlefront

Star Wars: Battlefront is one of the most infamously bungled video game franchises in the history of videogames, second only to Duke Nukem. (Though there is, admittedly, a lot of competition for that particular prize.) The first (2004) was incredible, the second (released a year later) the best selling Star Wars title ever.

Then… nothing. Nothing. Nothing at all. From 2005 to 2015, nothing but two vague, promise-filled trailers. Nothing substantive until yesterday.

Thoughts:

I’m not saying they’re lying when they say “Game Engine Footage”, but they’re lying. Or, at least stretching the truth.

That is NOT what you’ll get on a PS4 or XB1. You might get that kind of fluidity and detail on a high-end PC from the year 2050, imported from an alternate dimension where computers run on Unicorn kisses and Leprechaun dreams.

In THIS universe? Never.

And it does look all kinds of Star Wars-y, all kinds of Battlefront-y. It looks like it could be good. (We’ll find out on November 17.) It doesn’t make me want to puke and start hurling punches, at least.

I guess my hope is the same as every Battlefront fan: “Please let this not suck, God.”

Please?

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

The Dark Night Returns, Frank Miller’s seminal meditation on an aging Bruce Wayne called back into service by the career he can’t quite leave behind, has influenced all Batman comics since then. Each and every Batman depiction has either been opposing Miller’s version or borrowing from it.

It’s no surprise it also informed Batman movies. The Dark Knight Rises, for example, borrowed somewhat from it and so has Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.

First “leaked” yesterday in a blurry, low res version (said leak being just as plausibly a studio publicity stunt), the HD version of the trailer made its way onto YouTube today. And it bears the unmistakable imprint of Frank Miller’s classic.

Start with this shot of Batman.

metalbatman

Batman, in a metal suit of armor. Now compare it to this single panel from The Dark Knight Returns.

Screen Shot 2015-04-17 at 9.50.42 PM

Same suit. To a “T”.

I’m not criticizing the film-makers, if you’re going up against Superman, you need to do everything you can to even the odds and a suit of armor makes perfect sense. Only now I’m wondering how much of the fight itself, including the surprise ending, will make it from the comic onto the silver screen.

Even though I love the comic, and am excited to see that fight, I’m not excited for the movie. I actually like a lot of what Zack Snyder does, and have ever since Dawn of The Dead. 300 was incredible, and Watchmen likewise excellent. Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole was pretty much perfect, except for the name.

But nearly ALL of his movies (excepting Legend of the Guardian) have deep flaws. Sucker Punch is worth it just for the fight scenes, which were unbelievably good, however they each belonged in a separate movie, not piled together higgledy-piggledy in the same one.

And Man of Steel was just wrong. Too many primary themes (Jesus figure! They hate aliens! Daddy issues!), and the killing at the end was NOT Superman.

I was worried anyway, since DC is intent not only to rush its Cinematic Universe, but to ensure that none of its other properties fit into it (pretty much the exact opposite of Marvel’s wildly successful strategy). One movie to launch four, instead of five movies which allow us to get to know the characters separately before bringing them together. The latter is more satisfying for the audience.

In addition to that, trying to build the entire DCCU off the deeply flawed Man of Steel strikes me as worrisome. And then allowing Zack Snyder to mastermind it all? Alarm bells are ringing and red lights flashing.

Of course the movie doesn’t come out until March, 2016. Plenty of time to fiddle. And it MIGHT be good.

But that’s not the way to bet.

Trailer of The Century! Star Wars: The Force Awakens

The second teaser trailer for JJ Abrams’ Star Wars Episode VII has debuted…

People were all atwitter over on, uh, Twitter when this was released. My reaction was more muted: “Meh.” Not that the trailer looked BAD, because it didn’t. But because I KNOW who made the movie: JJ Abrams.

Don’t get me wrong, I like a lot of Abrams. Fringe, Mission Impossible III, the first rebooted Star Trek.

The rebooted Star Trek was an action movie. Which was fine, as far as it went. But the second (Into Darkness) was a disaster. It took the old series and movies, chewed them up and spat them out, then served the result as if it were all brand new.

HINT: It wasn’t.

My dread is that this movie will turn out the exact same way.

Ant-Man Kicks Ass!

No other way to say it, honestly: in the new Marvel trailer, Ant-Man kicks some serious ass. (And Paul Rudd proves he can do “action hero”.)

Some quick notes:

If you listen closely, you can hear where “steal some stuff” was overdubbed over “steal some”, well, something else. I’m betting that line is different in the movie.

Also, pretty sure that’s actually NOT how you punch. Or where. You’ll break your fingers, cut your knuckles, all that good stuff.

Knew that guy was the main villain in the first trailer, nice to see they don’t feel the need to be all coy about it.

And they made Thomas the Tank Engine suitably bad-ass. Marvel’s just break-dancing in the end zone now.

(It’s amusing that the movies are so awesome, and Marvel’s comics are turning to crap. Hope it isn’t contagious.)

Ant-Man comes out July 17, and I will be there. YOU HEAR ME, MARVEL?! I’ll GO SEE YOUR SFX SUMMER TENTPOLE BLOCKBUSTER EXTRAVAGANZA! AND I’LL PROBABLY LOVE IT!

You bastards.

Snarky Comments About Deus Ex

So, they announced the new Deus Ex game, Mankind Divided, along with the trailer. Let’s watch, after which I’ll snark like nobody’s business.

Some random comments on the trailer:

Invisibility. 1.5 second duration, upgradeable to 2.0 sec with half the money you ever earn in the whole entire game. (Useless in Boss battles.)

Super-cyborg kung-fu. Bets it isn’t available to you until almost the end of the game, maybe, but still probably not even then?

Good call, cyborg rebels. Send the one-eyed scary dude to be your public face. THAT’LL calm things down. It won’t seem threatening or ominous at all.

<massive explosion> Not that “kind” or “friendly” was a goal of yours anyway…

“Everybody was kung fu fighting…” Either this trailer is lying, or they took out all the stealth. Be angry at whichever makes you the maddest.

“This should be your fight as well, brother!” <strange laughter, shotgun blast> “Ahahahahahahah! Get to the church, brother!”

A cyberarm with a steam piston. Steam-transhumanist-steam-cyber-steam-punk?

“The promise of a Golden Age is over!” But everything’s still colored yellow.

Master Chief did the whole “shield in the trailer” thing better.

“I won’t let it happen again.” It’s the third sequel. HOW CAN YOU STOP IT?

“Preorder now.” No release date? NOT ON YOUR LIFE.