Ant-Man Kicks Ass!

No other way to say it, honestly: in the new Marvel trailer, Ant-Man kicks some serious ass. (And Paul Rudd proves he can do “action hero”.)

Some quick notes:

If you listen closely, you can hear where “steal some stuff” was overdubbed over “steal some”, well, something else. I’m betting that line is different in the movie.

Also, pretty sure that’s actually NOT how you punch. Or where. You’ll break your fingers, cut your knuckles, all that good stuff.

Knew that guy was the main villain in the first trailer, nice to see they don’t feel the need to be all coy about it.

And they made Thomas the Tank Engine suitably bad-ass. Marvel’s just break-dancing in the end zone now.

(It’s amusing that the movies are so awesome, and Marvel’s comics are turning to crap. Hope it isn’t contagious.)

Ant-Man comes out July 17, and I will be there. YOU HEAR ME, MARVEL?! I’ll GO SEE YOUR SFX SUMMER TENTPOLE BLOCKBUSTER EXTRAVAGANZA! AND I’LL PROBABLY LOVE IT!

You bastards.

Snarky Comments About Deus Ex

So, they announced the new Deus Ex game, Mankind Divided, along with the trailer. Let’s watch, after which I’ll snark like nobody’s business.

Some random comments on the trailer:

Invisibility. 1.5 second duration, upgradeable to 2.0 sec with half the money you ever earn in the whole entire game. (Useless in Boss battles.)

Super-cyborg kung-fu. Bets it isn’t available to you until almost the end of the game, maybe, but still probably not even then?

Good call, cyborg rebels. Send the one-eyed scary dude to be your public face. THAT’LL calm things down. It won’t seem threatening or ominous at all.

<massive explosion> Not that “kind” or “friendly” was a goal of yours anyway…

“Everybody was kung fu fighting…” Either this trailer is lying, or they took out all the stealth. Be angry at whichever makes you the maddest.

“This should be your fight as well, brother!” <strange laughter, shotgun blast> “Ahahahahahahah! Get to the church, brother!”

A cyberarm with a steam piston. Steam-transhumanist-steam-cyber-steam-punk?

“The promise of a Golden Age is over!” But everything’s still colored yellow.

Master Chief did the whole “shield in the trailer” thing better.

“I won’t let it happen again.” It’s the third sequel. HOW CAN YOU STOP IT?

“Preorder now.” No release date? NOT ON YOUR LIFE.

Game Over For Atari And The Video Game Industry

The video game that killed video games in America, and ended American dominance of the industry for three decades: E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, for the Atari 2600. The worst video game ever made. So bad, with millions of unsold units of plastic cartridges enclosing silicon semiconductors, that they had to bury them in the desert.

Atari: Game Over details the game, the industry crash of 1983, and the unearthing of the game’s cartridges in 2013. The trailer:

Atari: Game Over is now available for streaming on Netflix.

Mad Max & James Bond: Trailer Time!

Mad Max struggles just to survive, heroism is always a side-effect of that.

Whereas James Bond is a hero, but his job requires him to do decidedly unheroic things sometimes.

Both movies look good, but Spectre looks better. Not because of production values (though they obviously spent a LOT of money), but because Fury Road is way too heavy into the CGI. And it looks fake.

When did practical effects become taboo? They bring a viscerality to a film, which is why gritty, low-budget horror movies are so frightening. And Mad Max needs that visceral, grimy feel, not the plastic Uncanny Valley impression CGI effects give.

Master Chief Meets The Rashomon Effect

Unreliable narrators? In a commercial? Take a look.

First, the Master Chief version.

And now, the “Spartan Locke” version.

Gee, I wonder who the BAD GUY could possibly be?

Okay, so less Rashomon and more alternate timelines? Ah, whatever.

Still it’s a Halo game, in a generation where, two years in, and games on the ground are pretty damn thin. So, even though I skipped the Collection (good thing, too) I’ll probably pick this up.

Maybe. Sooner or later. If it don’t suck. We’ll see.

October 27th, Xbox exclusive. Are you excited yet? Me, too.

The Battle of the Two Trailers!

I lied. They’re not really battling. And one isn’t even a trailer, it’s an Honest Trailer.

Both are worth watching, though, so let’s kick it!

We begin with Arnold Schwarzenegger in a surprising dramatic turn. (Surprising primarily because critics quoted in the trailer claim he did a good job.) As the father of a young girl dying of (ahem) the zombie virus, he has to protect his slowly-turning-into-a-violent-cannibal daughter from villains such as local cops enforcing the quarantine law so they can prevent more outbreaks and federal cops, also enforcing the quarantine law so they can prevent more outbreaks.

Wait… these are the BAD guys? Gimme a break!

Anyway, the trailer looks pretty good.

“Mr. Bowman, I wouldn’t normally release someone with this type of infection, but since the rest of the movie kind of depends on me doing so, I’ll do it anyway!” Thanks, random doctor guy, for letting zombies wander free from clinics where they’re safely locked up so they can eat people and spread their deadly disease! Zombie Abigail Breslin’s dad thanks you, too!

(Abigail Breslin was a person pretending to be a zombie in Zombieland, now she gets to go all the way! That’s karmic justice, man. Like a circle of life thing, ya know?)

Alright, it’s kind of odd for me to be making fun of a trailer for a movie I’m actually looking forward to, so instead let’s make fun of a movie that’s already out, but which I hated!

Time for Honest Trailers: The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies! As usual, it’s very well done.

So good.

(PS: I watched How It Should Have Ended for this flick. It’s not so good, sad to say.)