Did You Feel A Disturbance In The Force?

So, I was feeling sad today. Wait, no, that’s not quite true. I was depressed. And like many depressed people, I did something self-destructive and unwise:

I watched the Star Wars Holiday Special. And it was awful.

I don’t mean awful in that awful-but-entertaining way some movies have. I mean just plain awful. There is NO entertainment in the Star Wars Holiday Special. It is the opposite of entertainment. It is anti-entertainment.

You know how people refer to something boring as being “as exciting as reading stereo instructions”? The Star Wars Holiday Special LITERALLY has Harvey Korman reading stereo instructions for four minutes.

FOUR MINUTES.

For four minutes, Harvey Korman stands there, reciting Ikea instructions, all the while acting as if he were a robot who was seizing up. But in a “funny” way. You know, “funny”. Like when you have to read the instructions for the long-form 1040 for enjoyment, because they’re “funny”.

Folks, this is beyond parody, beyond mere incompetence. The show takes the archetypal example of boring crap, the Ur-instance of droning, mind-numbing tedium, the purest and harshest form of brain stupefaction and inflicts it upon the audience for FOUR WHOLE MINUTES.

That’s how bad the show is. If you want to know more, Red Letter Media has a nifty little review:

But if you venture into the depths of the Holiday Special on your own… may God have mercy on your soul.

 

Why Diablo III, Frankly, Sucked.

Tasteful, Understated Nerdrage on Diablo III. All I can say is that my memories of the first Diablo matched his, and why I enjoyed it is the same. As is why I didn’t enjoy Diablo III.

That’s how bad it was: I can’t even say I hated it. I just… nothinged it. It was the gaming equivalent of eating boiled paper: tasteless, unfilling, and lacking all nutritional value.

It did, however, make me hate always-online games. MMO fans are used to these, I suppose, but I’m not, other than some Borderlands II I play with my brother.

And after Diablo III, and seeing the much love aimed towards the latest SimCity, I can safely say that always-on gaming is a horrible, terrible, no-good, dumbo nothing idea. And the fact that the next Xbox will make it mandatory for everything…

The only people served by “always online” are the companies. It’s a horrible anti-feature for players. It only exists (in non-MMO and Deathmatch FPS’s) for the sake of DRM.

And, companies, your worries over used games (not even piracy anymore, used frickin’ games) isn’t a sufficient reason to cripple my play experience. I don’t have to buy your shit, and if always online is a feature, I won’t.